Joke of the moment

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" height=150 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>BlackMontreal.com</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="BlackMontreal.com"><B>home</B></A></div> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="BlackMontreal.com">BlackMontreal.com</A>   |   <A HREF="id1619.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Calendar">Calendar</A>   |   <A HREF="id1590.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Commentary">Commentary</A>   |   <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Community Associations Organizations">Community Associations & Organizations</A>   |   <A HREF="id7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Community Churches">Community Churches</A>   |   <A HREF="id12.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact us">Contact us</A>   |   <A HREF="id418.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Country Statistics">Country Statistics</A>   |   <A HREF="id15.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Education/Scholarships">Education/Scholarships</A>   |   <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community">Events, Community</A>   |   <A HREF="id8.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Other">Events, Other</A>   |   <A HREF="id79.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Homework Assistant">Homework Assistant</A>   |   <A HREF="id14.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Internet Help">Internet Help</A>   |   <B>Joke of the moment</B>   |   <A HREF="id1126.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links">Links</A>   |   <A HREF="id88.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Lloyds">Lloyds</A>   |   <A HREF="id13.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Music">Music</A>   |   <A HREF="id1576.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="News and Views">News and Views</A>   |   <A HREF="id11.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Newspapers">Newspapers</A>   |   <A HREF="id791.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Notable Black People alive today">Notable Black People alive today</A>   |   <A HREF="id810.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Shopping Online">Shopping Online</A>   |   <A HREF="id16.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Travel">Travel</A>   |   <A HREF="id10.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Useful Addresses">Useful Addresses</A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=330 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Agency FB" ><B><U><IMG SRC="23e625200.jpg" border=0 width="37" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#777777" FACE="Agency FB" ><A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community"> </A></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Agency FB" ><A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community"><B><U>BlackMontreal.com </U></B></A></FONT><A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community">(Click here to return)</A>, or click you back button to return to where you came from</div> <div>               </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Joke Of The Moment</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>(Selected by the webmaster)</B></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="mailto:trymine@yahoo.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:trymine@yahoo.com"><I><B>Click here to send in your jokes by email, with the subject "Joke of the moment". </B></I></A></div> <div> (If you would like to be credited, please add your name and write "Please credit me".<A HREF="mailto:info@blackmontreal.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:info@blackmontreal.com">)</A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="737" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 272 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>RASTAMAN</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Rastaman knock pon di door. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A woman inside seh: "A who dat?" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Rastaman: "I and I, Jah Rastafari, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, Son of Haile Selassie I." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The woman inside replied: "A me one dey yah an mi nah open de door fe so much a oonu."</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 468 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>DIVIDING THE OFFERING</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Three pastors in a certain denomination - an American, Chinese and a Jamaican - were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in an open box- go outside- take a stick and draw a line on the ground and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Chinese said, "I put money in open box, I don't draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw no circle,  mi naw draw no line. All I do is fling de money inna de air....whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop pon de grouwn a fi mi".</I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 187 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Looking Good</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I>"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 488 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>The Taxi Driver</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I>'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!' </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 416 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Memory Class</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"A rose?" asked the neighbor.</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I>"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"</I><FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B> </B></FONT></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 511 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Going crazy with confusion</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 187 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>What will the neighbors think?</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Probably that I married you for your money."</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 316 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>The Jamaican On A Ship</B></div> <div> <B>       </B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><I>        </I></FONT></div> <div> <I>   </I></div> <div> <I>An American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing on a ship. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Now it's the Jamaican man's turn .... He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea! His words to the Devil, "Yeah man, find dat if yu tink yu bad!!! "</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 644 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>A Duppy or an Ediat?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This is a true incident that happened in MoBay about a month ago.</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The car moved slowly.  He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared ,he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and asked for a double whites. After drinking it, he told every one of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>About half an hour later, two men came walking into the bar and, on seeing the terrified man, one said to the other: "Yow John, nuh di ediat dat wha jump inna di car while wi did a push it?"</I></div> <bR> <div> 9-11-11</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 553 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>The Jamaican Contractor</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.</I></div> <div> <I>        </I></div> <div> <I>One from America, another from Mexico and the third from Jamaica.  They go with a White House official to examine the fence.  The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a Calculator.</I></div> <div> <I>       </I></div> <div> <I>'Well', he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."</I></div> <div> <I>        </I></div> <div> <I>The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."</I></div> <div> <I>        </I></div> <div> <I>The Jamaican contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."</I></div> <div> <I>       </I></div> <div> <I>"That's ridiculous", says the official, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?"</I></div> <div> <I>       </I></div> <div> <I>The Jamaican contractor whispers back, "Just cool man, $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Mexico to fix the fence."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The official asks, "How soon can you start?"</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1414 WIDTH="725"><div> <B> <A NAME="thomas_cook_holiday_survey_responses"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Thomas Cook Holiday Survey responses</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays, listing some of the guests' complaints during the season. </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels." </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate". </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"The beach was too sandy."   </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."   </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1495 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Great One Liners</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak! </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? </I></div> <div> <I>       Dr: Get married. </I></div> <div> <I>       Man: Will it help? </I></div> <div> <I>       Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? </I></div> <div> <I>       Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 871 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>The Old Dog</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer,</I></div> <div> <I>along for the company.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>The old dog thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"</I></div> <div> <I>Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in</I></div> <div> <I>mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks</I></div> <div> <I>away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was</I></div> <div> <I>close! That old dog nearly had me!"</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the</I></div> <div> <I>beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.</I></div> <div> <I>The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and</I></div> <div> <I>says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but</I></div> <div> <I>instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his</I></div> <div> <I>attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...</I></div> <div> <I>"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 424 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Crazy people talk</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I>Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 488 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Qualifying for Heaven</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"That's right! You may enter." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them." </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 444 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>  Try to explain women</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>GOD says, "So you would like them." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?" </I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I>GOD says, "So they would love you!"</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 618 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>What is the time?</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I>Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 260 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Advice to an old guy</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby"</I><I> </I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1031 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Psalm 23 - Jamaican Way</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>From mi brethren ...... "Tank ya Lord, fah mak mi ah walk good."</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>De Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah 'top mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting...</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, </I></div> <div> <I>an' tun' all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, </I></div> <div> <I>so mi no haffi go ah prison an' live 'mongst ah bag ah b----man or get heng.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, </I></div> <div> <I>some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah howl body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time, </I></div> <div> <I>mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, </I></div> <div> <I>though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi,</I></div> <div> <I>a check woulda help out some time.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday: </I></div> <div> <I>Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>So Tank Yuh Lord, Amen!</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 448 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>DANGEROUS WATERS</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>An old man owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, which he fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>One evening, the old farmer decided to go check out the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all scrambled to the deep end of the pond.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1271 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>YOUR PARROT IS DEAD</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, boss? This is Leroy, the caretaker at your country house.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Ah yes, Leroy. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Um, I am just calling to advise you, boss, that your parrot, he is dead.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'yes boss, that's the one.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'From eating the rotten meat, boss.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Nobody, boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Dead horse? What dead horse?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'The thoroughbred, boss.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'My prize thoroughbred that won the Cockspur Gold cup?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Yes, boss.  He died from all that work pulling the water cart.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Are you insane?? What water cart?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'The one we used to put out the fire, boss.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'The one at your house, boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Yes, boss.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'For the funeral, boss.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Your wife's, boss, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your cricket bat the one which was autographed by Sobers, Lara and Viv.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>THEN THERE IS SILENCE...A LONG SILENCE FINALLY THE BOSS SPEAKS QUIETLY,</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>'Leroy, if you bruck me bat, you in nuff rasshole trouble!' </I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1409 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>I HATE SHOPPING</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Dear Mrs. Norris,</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Norris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off</I></div> <div> <I>at 5-minute intervals.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>And last, but not least:</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.</I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 509 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>West Indian Lingo</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.</I></div> <div> <I>“Well, I guin get a driver’s license,” he answered.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>“Oh, doh listen to him,” yelled the Trini woman in the passenger’s seat…”He a smart ass when he drunk.”</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,”A cud tell we was not getin far in dis thiefin kar.”</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, “Yow!, I man mek it Crass di barder yet?”</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>They all were very nervous.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The patrolman said, “I always loved the island music but never understood the words. Here’s your voucher, have a nice day”.</I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 424 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Whole of Yu Life</B></div> <bR> <div> A pastor visiting from England asked a Jamaican dread to carry him fishing one day. Before beginning their journey the pastor asked if the dread prayed. “No iyah, man no fi pray”, replied the dread. </div> <bR> <div> “Quarter of you life gone my brother, quarter of you life gaun”, answered the pastor and they took off on the dread’s boat. </div> <bR> <div> At lunchtime the pastor took out his lunch to eat and asked the dread if he ate pork. “No iyah, man nuh fi eat pork”, replied the dread. “Hauf of you life gone my brother, hauf of you life gaun”, answered the pastor in return. </div> <bR> <div> After a while the boat developed problems and started to sink. The dread asked the pastor: “Can you swim?” The pastor replied: “No I can’t swim”. </div> <bR> <div> To this the dread said (feigning the English accent): “Well…whole of your life gaun my brother, whole of your life gone!”</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 423 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>The Last Meal</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Yes,plums" says the Bajan.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The warden replies, "but them outa season!"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."  </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 404 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Bwoy ... Go Get Yuh Moddah</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>A boy and his father from the Caribbean were visting America for the first time. </I></div> <div> <I>The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again. </I></div> <div> <I>The boy asked, "Ah whahdat, daddy?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, minevah see notting so inna mi life! Mi nuh know what it is!" </I></div> <div> <I>While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. </I></div> <div> <I>They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, </I></div> <div> <I>"Bwoy... Go get yuh moddah!"</I><B>  </B></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 415 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Ah Cuss Out De Boss</B></div> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>  </B></FONT><B> </B><I>Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their boss that he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me." </I></div> <div> <I>    Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?". </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>    That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind."  </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 444 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Women and Men</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Rupert Jones dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"OK," Rupert says. "Why did you make women so nice?" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>GOD says, "So you would like them."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> "OK," Rupert says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Rupert ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>GOD says, "So they would love you!" </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 552 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>How to tell the sex of a fly</B></div> <div> <I><B> </B></I></div> <bR> <div> <I><B> </B></I><I>A woman walked into the kitchen to find her</I></div> <div> <I> husband stalking around with a fly swatter.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I> 'What are you doing?'</I></div> <div> <I> She asked.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I> 'Hunting Flies'</I></div> <div> <I> He responded.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I> 'Oh. ! Killing any?'</I></div> <div> <I> She asked.</I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I> 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I> Intrigued, she asked.</I></div> <div> <I>'How can you tell them apart?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> He responded,</I></div> <div> <I>'3 were on a beer can,</I></div> <div> <I>2 were on the phone. </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 887 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>THE PERFECT HUSBAND</B></div> <div> <I><B> </B></I></div> <div> <I>Several men are in the locker room of a</I></div> <div> <I>golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings</I></div> <div> <I>and a man engages the hands free speaker</I></div> <div> <I>function and begins to talk. Everyone else</I></div> <div> <I>in the room stops to listen.</I></div> <div> <I>MAN: 'Hello' </I></div> <div> <I>WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?' </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>MAN: 'Yes' </I></div> <div> <I>WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this</I></div> <div> <I>beautiful leather coat. It's  only $1,000.  Is it</I></div> <div> <I>OK if I buy it?' </I></div> <div> <I>MAN:  'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' </I></div> <div> <I>WOMAN:  'I also stopped by the Mercedes</I></div> <div> <I>dealership and saw the new 2008 Models.  I saw</I></div> <div> <I>one I really liked.'</I></div> <div> <I>MAN:  'How much?' </I></div> <div> <I>WOMAN:  '$90,000'</I></div> <div> <I>MAN:  'OK, but for that price I want it with all</I></div> <div> <I>the options.' </I></div> <div> <I>WOMAN:  'Great!  Oh, and one more thing...the</I></div> <div> <I>house I wanted last year is back on the market.</I></div> <div> <I>They're asking $950,000.' </I></div> <div> <I>MAN:  'Well, then go ahead and give them an</I></div> <div> <I>offer of $900,000.  They will probably take it.</I></div> <div> <I>If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's</I></div> <div> <I>really a pretty good price.' </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>WOMAN:  'OK.  I'll see you later! I love you</I></div> <div> <I>so much!'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' </I></div> <div> <I>The man hangs up. The other men in the locker</I></div> <div> <I>room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths</I></div> <div> <I>agape. </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>He turns and asks:   'Anyone knows who this</I></div> <div> <I>phone belongs to?' </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 643 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>A JAMAICAN CHRISTIAN!!!</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>A Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe beers and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The bartender approaches and tells him, 'You know, a beer goes flat after you draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Jamaican replies, 'Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised fi drink this way to remember the days when we drank in Jamaica. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:  He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender say, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no no, everyone's fine, 'He explains,' It's just that I became a christian, and I personally had to stop drinking.' </I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 515 WIDTH="725"><div> <B>Husband Training</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>The couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'  The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America' .  We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled  again.. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse</I></div> <div> <I>stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.'</I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 453 WIDTH="725"><bR> <div> <B>SMART ADVICE</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.</I></div> <div> <I>"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.</I></div> <div> <I>Now I do it in ten..."</I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="2240483e0.jpg" border=0 width="72" height="62" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#777777" FACE="Agency FB" ><A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community"> </A></FONT><A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community"><B><U>BlackMontreal.com </U></B></A><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Agency FB" ><A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Events, Community">(Click here to return)</A>, or click you back button to return to where you came from</FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Looking for somewhere to go, something to do? Need something? Tell them you saw it on BlackMontreal.com</B></I><I><B>!</B></I></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>